So...I grew up surrounded by adults...made good grades, earned a 4-year college degree...know when to say no to drugs....yet, why is it the smallest things, things that seem so simple I make stupid decisions about?
Most everyone currently involved in my life know me and know that I have a "trust" issue...I guess that's what you'd call it anyway....
I definitely have a trust issue with men...something that stems from my father. The one, well, one of two I suppose, person who's supposed to be there for you...through thick and thin...better or worse...take you to those daddy-daughter dances, etc... was never that father for me. In fact, he was quite the opposite. Any time I got close...or tried to get close...I only ended up getting hurt. For those that grew up with a loving father, even the same father, it's hard to understand...and it may even be easy to cast blame some where else....but for me....the part of me that's ruined for life is pretty much because he let me down....not once, not twice, but time and again. Off the soap box...and on to why I started this...
So I have this trust issue, with men, but I'm thinking that it somehow skews itself into a trust issue, in general. Those of you that are close enough to me know where I'm coming from on this. I move through daily life, daily relationships and then **!BAM!** I'm no longer speaking to you...for what reason? I'm not sure. I've spent a lot of time today...for other reasons...being very introspective on this issue....and everything wrong in my life seems to come back to the same thing....if I hadn't been let down so much in my life, maybe I wouldn't back away from the people I care about...in fear of getting hurt.....which ties back to I'm a very smart person....and I know when I'm hitting these moments in relationships I have...yet, I continue to watch it un-fold in front of me....why is someone SO smart doing such STUPID things? I laughed off some things with Josh tonight and asked him if he wanted me to put a stamp on his head that said, "I'm with stupid." He didn't think it was too funny...he, too, believes it all ties back to my childhood.
The part I deal with the hardest is why a couple of them, Josh included, continue to be there for me...and usually without missing a beat, are the friend that I'm not. It's so perplexing for me....
So, when you can clearly see where something's coming from, why is it you can't fix it? Is it another case of smart people doing stupid things? Is it fear of something you've not done before? I'm not sure...I do know I'm on the hunt to figure it out, though......stay tuned!
I continue to be there because of the person you truly are. I know the real you. The kind, generous, smart, funny, playful,and loving wife and mother. You are thoughtful and generous without ever seeking recognition or anything in return. you are an awesome mother of two children. You are an even more awesome wife who has stood by her husband through the ups and downs. You are worth knowing. You are worth loving, and you are worth going to hell and back for.
ReplyDeleteThat is why no matter what barriers or walls you may put up I will always find a way to knock them back down.
I love you. Not because I have to, but because I want to.
ME