This year, I have a different view of thankfulness.  It's one that I wish I didn't have to have, but one I'm grateful to have.  This post is a BIG step for me, but it's an important one, and I think Thanksgiving is a great time to be thankful for it and to share it.

The past few years have been very challenging for us.  Between the challenges we've faced with Nickolas and then the challenges we faced with my health, it seems like there's never any end in sight.  Constantly searching for answers has left us feeling like we're chasing after a solution we weren't yet sure what we were going to find.

In September, we inched a little closer to a solution for Nickolas.  We don't have anything that we're ready to share yet, though, as nothing is confirmed, but we're moving closer in the right direction.  I'm thankful that after 5 years, someone is finally seeing the things that we've seen and struggled with and that we need help with and knows that our struggles aren't that of a normal 7 year old.  Hopefully, before Christmas, we'll be even closer.  We have a new team of doctors on our side and I'm so thankful for them.

Throughout this year, I bounced back and forth trying to get someone to help find an answer for all the health challenges I've been facing.  About a week after we inched closer to the answers we need for Nickolas, I was finally (after about 4 years) diagnosed.  I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Saying that where anyone can hear it is a big step for me.  It's moving into the acceptance phase.  I've been stuck in the shocked phase for quite some time, but since starting the treatment for the RA, life has been very challenging and I've now realized that it's time to accept it and begin to move onto what this new life will be like for me.

The goal when treating RA is remission.  And the treatment for RA is chemotherapy - for the rest of your life. (yes, you read that correctly!)  Every Saturday, I have a cocktail that I swallow and it has terrible side effects--hair loss, stomach issues, pretty much everything you've already heard about with regard to chemo, it can cause for me.  Most of my side effects right now, though, are a lot of hair loss, acne, a lot of stomach issues, and a lowered immune system.  I'm not sure what you know about RA, so my brief explanation is that it's an autoimmune disease where your body is really attacking itself, so the reason you do chemo is to shut it down (this is all lay-terms) so that it stops attacking itself....so eventually you go into remission and can feel better.  Not everyone will feel 100% better and not everyone will go into remission.  (My favorite website is RA Warrior..they've been super helpful..you can check out a brief description of RA here.)

One of the challenges that comes with my RA diagnosis is that I also found out that I'm also a carrier for Tuberculosis.  I've had a lung biopsy done, as well as some other tests, to confirm that it is not active (which means I'm not contagious).  So, at some point, I was exposed to TB, but it would be hard to say when and/or where.  The best guess we have at this point would be college or Disney, but there's nothing that says it couldn't have been someone at Publix I work with, even.  

What makes this a challenge is that some of the treatments for RA.  My current chemo treatment lowers my immune system quite a bit, but some of the other drug options are worse and can cause the TB to become active (and contagious).  SO, I have to be treated for the TB.  So, I'm currently on a course of therapy for my TB.  This medicine is also making me very, very sick.  I've been on it about a week now, and I still have 8 months and 3 weeks to go and I dread every single day of it because of how much worse it makes me feel on top of the other drugs I'm already taking.  Unfortunately, it knocks my immune system down even more, so we're taking an even more careful approach to who/when/where we go to try and protect me as much as we can.  We know there's only so much we can do, but we're trying as much as we can because we know how much I'm at risk.

Up to this point, I've been very selective with who I've shared my health struggles with.  I'm not sure why, I guess fear of acceptance and fear of being judged as someone looking for attention or fear for those that may not understand.  I'm still struggling to accept it as my own reality....every day I cry a little more that this is my future.  But as I've started down my journey of treatment, I'm finding it's harder and harder to keep going. 

I've kept this pretty close to my chest because, well, besides being in complete shock, I know that there's a lot of mis-information and just general mis-understanding about RA in general out there (like it's what your grandparents have) and I just haven't been sure how people would accept it or how they would accept me.  It's not something that will ever go away...and hopefully it will go into remission, but for some, it never does, it only becomes manageable.  Right now, they tell me it will take at least 3 to 4 months to notice any effect from the drug combinations.

This year has been very challenging, but through this storm, I've realized how thankful I am that we finally have an answer for ALL the weird symptoms, pains, aches, that I've been going through for about the past 4 years.  I realize that what I'm going through isn't something that will ever go away and that is the hardest part of all this, but there aren't enough words to say how thankful I am to have my husband by my side to support me.  Without him, I know I couldn't face this lifelong challenge.

I'm also beyond thankful for my two wonderful children who have stepped up to help when I can't do things I used to be able to do around the house or just to give me a hug when I'm feeling sick.  Their smiles, laughter, and love means the world to me.

This Thanksgiving, I'm leaning on a quote from Gilbert Chesterton: "When it comes to life, the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude."  Up until this year, I wasn't taking things with full gratitude, like I should, and if there's one thing my disease has opened my eyes to, it's that I need to have more gratitude.

As you spend time with your family this holiday, make sure you're taking things with gratitude and not for granted.  You never know when things could change.

Happy Thanksgiving to You and Yours.